Dream

I was with my sister (imagine a Bonny and Clyde situation). We were holed up in a broken down hotel. I was in the room alone and my sister came back and told me, "Some big-time music guys heard your music over somewhere and said that they wanted to give you some air-time (on t.v.)." Of course, I was over-excited to hear this...

The next thing I remember was kind of fast forwarding through some idyllic scenery (large-decked restaurants with ivy covered terraces, surrounded by winding alley-ways) where I was trying to find shows to play. I then came to a stop in a church during Sunday morning service and I was sitting in a pew (I didn't recognize the church). Then I was dragged to the front (by someone), given a guitar (in the middle of the service), and then people and a giant T.V. camera (a moving unit, the kind where the camera man sits behind it on a built-in seat) moved up to the front; all while the congregation was staring in absolute horror at what their Sunday service had turned into... and I'm assuming all this was because I was a huge super-star and the only place they could find me was at church... ?? or something like that

and that is about all I remember...

hmm mmm

Last night, at the moment where I entered actual sleep, I had a split second dream/nightmare/whatever. Something fluttered from my body (that is the point where I woke up) and flew to the ceiling and I was afraid that it would fall on me, so I stood on my bed (half awake) and started swatting at the air around that area on the ceiling. I kept at it, and then thought that I couldn't hit it because it was dark. I then got my phone and started to shine it on the ceiling to better see it. Right after I started, my roomate woke up and asked me, "Alex, are you alright?" Apparently I looked frantic enough or the act I was caught in looked bizarre enough for his inquiring, but as soon as I explained to him what I was doing I realized how ridiculous it sounded. So I got off of my bed, put my phone away, and I got back under the covers.

it's only now that I realized what that thing could have been... I didn't imagine it, it really happened. I am convinced. But I am not haunted by it.

Thoughts

I am too connected. I need to remove dissonance from my life. I think I might fast from my blog for a little while. I miss pen and paper anyways.

I'm freakin out right now.

This guys name is Alex Woodrow. He is a musician, He is bald, He wears glasses... ITS MY TWIN!!!!! I am Fuh-Reaking out... here is his facebook page. please check it out.

http://www.facebook.com/s.php?q=alex+woodrow&init=q&sid=8b57e1d10cc8e8316b45b40b9a41be89#/pages/Alex-Woodrow/10804914642?sid=8b57e1d10cc8e8316b45b40b9a41be89&ref=s

Last Night

Last night I was challenged to rethink the tireless analysis that I constantly am doing in regards to my life. But even in that I am analyzing.

My career choice... it does not fit, but I tell myself that medicine is the best option out there for someone like me. Ultimately I do not know what I am supposed to do. I mean I have been given gifts: intelligence, a big heart, wisdom (in some ways), passion, self-control (again, only in some ways), but there is no niche or manufactured role that I can fit into. I am going to be a P.A.. I am going to whore myself repeatedly to my patients so that they know that I am more than a medical professional, but a friend, someone who can and will comfort them in times of need. But I have a distinct need for deep and meaningful relationships and, well, medicine, in all of its facilities, is more like a burlesque house than a commune. Will I survive? Or will my soul slowly deteriorate, lending itself to a new suitor every requisition presented only to be stripped of any progress with each release form finished. I do not know. I seem to be limited by what man has created "work" to be. And it sure seems to me that I am destined to never reach my full potential. Praise God for His wisdom! Praise God for the providence of His mighty right hand! For all my wisdom can show me is how limited my future may be and all my right hand can do is finish the sentence needed to conclude this thought. Other than that I am through. It's God's turn

New song

i don't like it just yet, i haven't put enough work into it yet. i don' want to misrepresent my ability to create... sd;fljk so i'm still working on it.

I had the best intentions throughout my bitterness so how could I say that I'm not content

It took the better part of three long years to pull me out of dissonance

but you have proved that you are always near and there's no need to fear. It's when I try it on my own that's always shown I need you.

I haphazardly declined to see the misery that hung over my head...

I just don't get it

I've realized that there is no point in being ambiguous in my blog posting. It is not always true to myself if I consistently hide how I feel or what I think, but I do admit that sometimes I am in need of ambiguity and so write to suit that need.

I believe it right to say it plainly that I do not understand everything that I believe. It has been three years since I accepted Jesus as the Ruler as my life and committed all that I may do to His will, but there are times when I am at a loss to what I even believe. I know that if one were to read this it would appear that I made a poor and possibly misinformed decision regarding my loyalty to the Prince of Peace, but I assure you that information has nothing to do with such a decision. Information while it has a place, does not lay hold to all of the necessities of faith. As any child may know. A child when young has complete faith in their parents. Do they know this for sure? Have they had ample experience with their parents to know that they deserve trust? No, they don't. A 4 year old has neither the capacity nor the experience to prove to themselves that their Mother and Father are trustworthy. They just do. They simply trust them. I trust God. I do. I just am at a loss to how I lose track of how the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross is sufficient. Or how the love he exercised through his being on earth is so beautiful. I forget and it seems to me that I shouldn't... But I am human... Here I come to the gravity like inevitability of my falling short of anything close to what is necessary for me to deserve anything from God. I deserve nothing more than... I come short of an answer. In fact I deserve nothing. Nothing is what I am and yet he loves me... That is amazing.

Grandparents

I just got a card from my grandpa. It carried with it the meditations of his mind on scripture. My grandpa is a man of few words. Fewer, than one might think, are his words found in person than on paper. He is wise in this point. He doesn't speak unless it is worthwhile and to him the only things worthwhile in this world are the words of God. How privileged am I to hear the meditations from a man's most prized possession. How stupid would I have to be to ignore the rarity of his thoughts. My Grandpa's only request after the detailing of his meditations was this, Be Obedient. "Obedience is the only way to experience God's best for your life". Obedience in will, in heart, in mind, in action. While these are not original words, I couldn't imagine a harder concept to flesh out. Obedience is what God requires of me and Obedience is what my Grandpa demonstrates. How blessed am I?

just plain ole dog tired

fourth day of school and I am sick, tired, and beat up. My spirits are not beat yet though. For the first time i had a class that was a true pleasure and not a chore. But before that I had the worst class I have ever had, with probably the worst professor (for me) yet. No specifics necessary. I discovered that I have a true need to express myself by delving into nothing to pull out something, in order to connect with who I am and who my God is. I also discovered that I still need to find the courage to face classes that are impossible and emotionally frustrating. I can find that courage in God... I need to remind myself that my answers are found in Him. My answers are found in Him... My answers are found in Him... Just be Alex. Just be.

Show Pictures

...Title...

I am determined to beat this. I can feel how close I am to attaining a creative state... I just need a little nudge...

Sterile like a T-shaped uterus

I feel as impotent as a eunuch, and as sterile as a hermaphrodite.
It's been almost 1 year since I've written new music and I'm starting to wonder if i have focused on this world to that point that I've left that one behind... What does it take to write. It doesn't seem possible right now. I'm just not convinced that all the shit that is out right now can make me content. It is all crap. The best attempt at music, only coming off sounding sup-par unoriginal and over-influenced by popular culture whether by acceptance or rejection. Great, I can see why I am having trouble writing, my expectations are too high. But how do you get rid of expectations.

...Title...

There are times, after slipping into an ideal dream-like alternate reality, i have to remind myself that life isn't as perfect as I'd like it to be. Life doesn't take you by surprise, love doesn't sweep you off your feet, and things don't go always as planned. But I sure as hell wish they did.

It always seems like the pessimist inside of me always gets the upper hand, It always seems like the selfish child inside of me always gets the upper hand, it seems like my shortcomings seem to get the upper hand, and it sure seems like things may never change.

Hope (verb)- The discipline of believing in those things that are "not yet".

Music and Literature - how it all fits in

I'm at odds with myself about music. Is everything I know when it comes to music only a result of capitalistic/consumeristic influence? Have I been led astray when emotions take the priority in music instead of the brilliance, ingenuity and hard work? It has been ruminating in my mind that the music that I listen to and invest in today is the watered down perverted version of what music was at first. Music is meant to move the soul. All would agree to that. I assert that it is not intended to move the soul closer to oneself though but closer to something inaccessible and beyond what a human can reach. Music draws people together, it draws their souls together. Music unifies minds and desire and music draws humankind closer to the divine. All that I have known music to be is a self-serving entity in American culture. Music today surrounds the topics of sex, anger, love, and any range of emotions that in themselves are amazing gifts but they are all self-centered. Abused human emotion and instinct to better the wallet of suppliers. Of all this I am not entirely sure, but my desire for purity in this musical sense is so great that I am stripping down the paradigm of music for my generation, starting with myself.

This is not a vendetta against American culture in itself, but it is against what American culture has done to me. Influenced by popular music, no doubt my ideals are perverted and true music is something that I have to search for, to define. So to cut all popular inputs to my mind, I think, will bring clarity to my opinion.

In this I recall Radiohead's anti-popular, pure presentation. Yet even they play only for themselves. True music must combine self, creator and creation. That is, purpose and subject must encompass all and praise all; God for his glory and power (this above all), man for the creative entity (s)he was made to be, and creation for the beauty and complexity it exhibits. Truth is what music must praise.