music

epiphany-music is a means to meet an end

Most music while separated by genre is all very similar, at least to me. This makes me sick of music from time to time. But the amazing things you can convey with music, the power that is possesses to inspire and move, brings me back around every time.

how original.

Rant... please read.

Probably the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me is College. I know that I will look back and say, "I want to go back. If only I had taken my time to enjoy everything." I am a rash man. A very thoughtless and impulse driven man. I have discovered creation... Or rather creation has discovered me. I have always created. In small, simple ways and never in consistent or predictable patterns. But now I am overwhelmed with creation. I create and want to create all the time. Apocalypse has taken over me. I don't mean the end of _______ - the world or my life or anything like that, but I mean apocalypse in a way that pervades the reality that we [humans] have painted for ourselves. Life as we know it is not the way it is meant. It is not the way we were meant to live, to experience, to love, to breath, or die in. There is more out there. Every human being contains in them the ability to create and through that we are connected with the God who creates. I truly and deeply feel for those who either are not gifted [if that is at all possible] or who were subjected to a life where creation is not possible due to burdens or uncontrollable life scenario's but creation is the gateway to what life is truly like. To create, to make something new, unique [like each one of us] instead of repeating or copying or learning we are birthing a new thing. To live life only to create - "how unproductive, how unplanned, how mismanaged and undisciplined. How escapist and how irresponsible." How sad... We are twisting the world into a cycle of traditions and practices and forgot the freedom we have to use our hands minds and hearts to sculpt and breath life into something that did not already exist instead of beat into the ground the creations of other people; men and women before us or with us. How empty are we who take advantage of the beauty of creation and use it for our own mechanical desires.

How blessed am I to know people that create and inspire me to create. I am very very very blessed. A thousand times blessed. I will create. I will create and I will create to wipe away the fears and the aprehension that plagues me. I will do for my God and I will do it for who God made me to be because I am capable and I am impassioned and I am more than willing to create and create. Why oh why, and how oh how, are questions I have been trained to ask, and so I ask them. But I know I am not meant to think that way I meant to praise and give glory. I am meant to never worry or wonder. I am meant to know I am not meant to know all the time. I love all of you who create alongside with me. Desiree, Angela, Mitch, Dan, John, Stephen. We are brothers and sisters. Consider me converted from the ways of the world and the production-minded society of it.

Building A Fire

This is the finished version of the song below

Distance has never affected me this way
I can’t remember the last time my heart reached this weight
Will you, Will you feel it too


It’s cuz I always will give you all of me
That I am willing to start at the beginning
Will you, Will you feel it too


In spite of the signs that this is in vain
I could not do less I’d say it is worth the pain
I’m starting a fire inside


Well I won’t be staying home
putting on final touches
to the god forsaken brush-fire
I’ve cultivated
that fire has eaten up all my energy
(no I won’t be holding onto the misery)

New Song

Here is part of a new song

It’s cuz I always will give you all of me
That I am willing to start at the beginning
In spite of the signs that this is in vain
I could not do less I’d say it is worth the pain
I’m starting a fire inside

Well I won’t be staying home
putting on final touches
to the god forsaken brush-fire
i’ve cultivated
that fire has eaten up all my energy

The other side of day-light
is coming over me
I’ve stopped feeling weightless
and am getting used sleep
no I won’t be holding onto my misery

I need to slow down

It's times like these that I need to slow down. It's times like these that I am irresponsible with my emotional well-being. I have let myself become too tired and too overwhelmed with life I to set some time aside and make sure that I am rested and re-centered.

Feb 18 1987

So on my birthday I have two labs, both four hours, and a huge paper to finish. Happy birthday, to me. But seriously it is not that big of a deal. A birthday is a birthday and you can celebrate it anywhere in anyway just as long as it is a "day"!! so in that sense I am really excited! But to be completely honest I kind of wished I followed through on. I was planning on doing my b-day differently (and the only reason why I am writing this is because I know that only three people read this, occasionally). I wanted to rearrange the way I celebrated my b-day.

I wanted to buy gifts for the important people in my life and thus switch the focus of my birthday from me to them. Because while today was the day I was born, I want my birthday to represent a celebration of the day I got do meet such amazing people!!! Birthdays in america are (ulteriorly) very self-centered celebrations. This is the DAY I was born!!!!! GIVE ME STUFF!!!!! I may be over-exaggerating but there is some truth to it. I think that is backwards.

It should be this is the day I was born and I have already been show blessed with your presence in my life that I want to bless you!!!!! I want to do this for the rest of my life. I am switching things around to the way they should be. Instead of a celebration of self, it should be a celebration of others.

The greatest gift my parents have given me is life!!! among many other, truly very valuable things! The last thing I deserve is a gift from them! I should show my appreciation for them! and that is just an example of how grateful I am for so many people in my life.

But alas I did not follow through and I feel guilty... I don't think I should, but I do nonetheless. This is motivation for me to make sure I do it next year... s;fjklasdf

So to you who read this... don't tell anybody I am going to do it. Its not meant to be something that people should know about, but I figured I needed to air it out. Happy birthday me because I am so so so very blessed to have such very good friends (that would mean you).

Dreams

For the past two weeks I have had a dream every night. 9 days ago I had a dream that I got a mac book.

Two days after the dream my parents came to visit and wanted to know what I wanted for my birthday. I told them that if I got a mac book I could do a lot of recording but I can't afford one. They said that they couldn't afford one either. Today I drove up to San Jose for the weekend and tonight my family and I went out for sushi. At the sushi place my Dad told me that God had had blessed him with an unexpected gift and that they were going to get me a mac book.

God is faithful to provide.

Short Story idea

Here's an idea I have for a short story... I recently told a friend it on facebook so this is the chain that lead to the description of it.

its about a boy who's single mother protects him from the sea and he does not know why
i still have to develop what his everyday life is like

3:04pmAlex
his next door neighbor is an old sea man who has a connection with the sea too but was driven from it because of the loss of his wife

3:05pmAngella
ooh

3:06pmAlex
there is something magical that connects the two and after the initial set up (everyday life and what not) the boy has to rely on the experiences of the old man in order to conquer what the sea represents in his life

so... thats very vague

3:06pmAngella
i like it
lots of metaphor

3:06pmAlex
yeah
im going to tie in some mythology
im thinking the boy is a demigogue and his mother is afraid of losing him
and the old man has a tie with the same mythology
the sea is just such a magical mystical place so i think it could make for a very inspiring story
lots of loss, lots of heart break
and only enough redemption in the end to make it seem like hope is possible

For two weeks

I had yet another dream last night. This time it was horribly emotional.

If there is anything that would strike me as interesting about myself, it would be my obsession with Audrey Hepburn. It is hard to explain, as most emotional things are, but I have this deep connection with her and I go through phases about this time every year where all I can think about is her. The whole situation is very inspirational. Audrey Hepburn is my muse and for some reason my dreams are plagued by her during these late winter months. I almost hate the way my heart is trapped by her, I am most assuredly embarrassed by it, but for whatever reason Audrey Hepburn is a poltergeist in my subconsciousness in a very spiritual way.

The dream itself was very simple, short and nondescript. I was in the lower story of some house, to which I could relate to but not completely identify. There was quite a lot of history between Audrey and I in the dream, for a lot of emotional energy came with the situation that was not already in existence in reality. It was clear we had history, a past; whether fruitful or futile, romantic or platonic it was not clear, but there was tension. She had texted me and I was shocked to see her speak to me. It was not a discussion nor was it a friendly request on her part. I knew not the subject matter nor was I entirely sure if it was important to know what it was about, but the significance of her texting me was in her contacting me. Her mode of existence was unclear, whether dead or alive, young or old all I knew was that I was talking to her. It only became clear to me after I had woken up that I would have been content talking to her at any point in her life if only to see her in person.

I should go to bed.

I had a dream two nights ago that isn't important enough to share on this. Who am I to say that one dream is more important than another though. Either way I don't feel like typing it up.

One of my dreams came true, we lost to SDSU. I don't want to get too into it, but we should have won, in every way. That's that.

I wonder if any of my other dreams will come true. Well I sure do wish that I would get a mac, then I could finally start recording on my own. God, would that be a amazing.

I have a friend who told me it might be a good idea to slow down and stop thinking too much. I think that is excellent advice, but I do not know how to slow down my thought process. Thinking is what I do, as a human, especially as an expressive human. How does one suppress thought and just exist. My heart does need some peace and quiet. I think, for my minds sake, that I need to just be.

mmmm

I have had a dream every night for the past two weeks.

Last night, I had a dream that we lost to SDSU on saturday. The night before, I had a dream that I got a mac and finally started recording.

I shared a story with one of my classes yesterday and as a result I have never felt more conflicted about my interests/callings in my entire life. I feel over-emotional, out-of-control, too energized and misdirected. I know God has given me gifts for a reason. But I don't know how to use them.