...Title...

I am determined to beat this. I can feel how close I am to attaining a creative state... I just need a little nudge...

Sterile like a T-shaped uterus

I feel as impotent as a eunuch, and as sterile as a hermaphrodite.
It's been almost 1 year since I've written new music and I'm starting to wonder if i have focused on this world to that point that I've left that one behind... What does it take to write. It doesn't seem possible right now. I'm just not convinced that all the shit that is out right now can make me content. It is all crap. The best attempt at music, only coming off sounding sup-par unoriginal and over-influenced by popular culture whether by acceptance or rejection. Great, I can see why I am having trouble writing, my expectations are too high. But how do you get rid of expectations.

...Title...

There are times, after slipping into an ideal dream-like alternate reality, i have to remind myself that life isn't as perfect as I'd like it to be. Life doesn't take you by surprise, love doesn't sweep you off your feet, and things don't go always as planned. But I sure as hell wish they did.

It always seems like the pessimist inside of me always gets the upper hand, It always seems like the selfish child inside of me always gets the upper hand, it seems like my shortcomings seem to get the upper hand, and it sure seems like things may never change.

Hope (verb)- The discipline of believing in those things that are "not yet".

Music and Literature - how it all fits in

I'm at odds with myself about music. Is everything I know when it comes to music only a result of capitalistic/consumeristic influence? Have I been led astray when emotions take the priority in music instead of the brilliance, ingenuity and hard work? It has been ruminating in my mind that the music that I listen to and invest in today is the watered down perverted version of what music was at first. Music is meant to move the soul. All would agree to that. I assert that it is not intended to move the soul closer to oneself though but closer to something inaccessible and beyond what a human can reach. Music draws people together, it draws their souls together. Music unifies minds and desire and music draws humankind closer to the divine. All that I have known music to be is a self-serving entity in American culture. Music today surrounds the topics of sex, anger, love, and any range of emotions that in themselves are amazing gifts but they are all self-centered. Abused human emotion and instinct to better the wallet of suppliers. Of all this I am not entirely sure, but my desire for purity in this musical sense is so great that I am stripping down the paradigm of music for my generation, starting with myself.

This is not a vendetta against American culture in itself, but it is against what American culture has done to me. Influenced by popular music, no doubt my ideals are perverted and true music is something that I have to search for, to define. So to cut all popular inputs to my mind, I think, will bring clarity to my opinion.

In this I recall Radiohead's anti-popular, pure presentation. Yet even they play only for themselves. True music must combine self, creator and creation. That is, purpose and subject must encompass all and praise all; God for his glory and power (this above all), man for the creative entity (s)he was made to be, and creation for the beauty and complexity it exhibits. Truth is what music must praise.

Winter Break Cont...

Green and gray are two colors that define Oregon. The intoxicating power of Oregon affects me even before I reach it. First I lose my voice... not in a physical sense, but metaphorically speaking, where before I would have felt free to share my thoughts to anyone, my future thoughts would have been content to stay indoors. Soon after my eyes open wide, awakening fully, spurned by the dull yet vivid wet green, to take in the beauty around me. Next as if from a hidden well, my heart begins to fill until its contents spill. This spillage is invaluable to waste nothing the pages of a blank notebook hold the contents until they can be returned. On several occasions in my youth, when i was till too naive to know the impact of my emotions I fell into deep depressions from where i could only be stirred by the warm dry days of CA...

winter break

Three months have never gone by faster and i now find myself in a season that represents some very dark memories in my past. By dark i don't mean that i have been subjected to horrible circumstances or anything of that nature, i simply imply that my emotions are a lot like the weather during this time of year. Clouds always seem to accompany everything i do from December to February. For most of the break i'll be in oregon, which doesn't hold the greatest memories either, but i intend to change that. Over the past couple of years i've learned a lot about myself and how I work. If i leave my mind to fate and allow my emotions to rule, turmoil follows. For most of my life i lived subjected to this tendency and as a result my mood swung drastically throughout the seasons... I am naturally a really joyful person. I take pleasure in people around me, both those i know and those i don't know. i appreciate small things in life as well as the big and I am thankful for everything that comes my way. But I am also very contemplative, which in itself can only lend good to any given situation, but i can take extreme turns into introversion and contemplation where i have to dig myself out. Overcast skies and green landscapes are two of the things that capture my eyes and draw me into a deep state of thought.

to be continued...

shifting some bits

this artist out of New York, NY by the name of Bit Shifter has been rocking my socks off with a pair of game boys, some loop gear and a beat maker. Muy Talentado if do say so myself. check it out!


Bit Shifter // Blip Festival 2007: The Videos from 2 Player Productions on Vimeo.