Grandparents

I just got a card from my grandpa. It carried with it the meditations of his mind on scripture. My grandpa is a man of few words. Fewer, than one might think, are his words found in person than on paper. He is wise in this point. He doesn't speak unless it is worthwhile and to him the only things worthwhile in this world are the words of God. How privileged am I to hear the meditations from a man's most prized possession. How stupid would I have to be to ignore the rarity of his thoughts. My Grandpa's only request after the detailing of his meditations was this, Be Obedient. "Obedience is the only way to experience God's best for your life". Obedience in will, in heart, in mind, in action. While these are not original words, I couldn't imagine a harder concept to flesh out. Obedience is what God requires of me and Obedience is what my Grandpa demonstrates. How blessed am I?

just plain ole dog tired

fourth day of school and I am sick, tired, and beat up. My spirits are not beat yet though. For the first time i had a class that was a true pleasure and not a chore. But before that I had the worst class I have ever had, with probably the worst professor (for me) yet. No specifics necessary. I discovered that I have a true need to express myself by delving into nothing to pull out something, in order to connect with who I am and who my God is. I also discovered that I still need to find the courage to face classes that are impossible and emotionally frustrating. I can find that courage in God... I need to remind myself that my answers are found in Him. My answers are found in Him... My answers are found in Him... Just be Alex. Just be.

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I am determined to beat this. I can feel how close I am to attaining a creative state... I just need a little nudge...

Sterile like a T-shaped uterus

I feel as impotent as a eunuch, and as sterile as a hermaphrodite.
It's been almost 1 year since I've written new music and I'm starting to wonder if i have focused on this world to that point that I've left that one behind... What does it take to write. It doesn't seem possible right now. I'm just not convinced that all the shit that is out right now can make me content. It is all crap. The best attempt at music, only coming off sounding sup-par unoriginal and over-influenced by popular culture whether by acceptance or rejection. Great, I can see why I am having trouble writing, my expectations are too high. But how do you get rid of expectations.

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There are times, after slipping into an ideal dream-like alternate reality, i have to remind myself that life isn't as perfect as I'd like it to be. Life doesn't take you by surprise, love doesn't sweep you off your feet, and things don't go always as planned. But I sure as hell wish they did.

It always seems like the pessimist inside of me always gets the upper hand, It always seems like the selfish child inside of me always gets the upper hand, it seems like my shortcomings seem to get the upper hand, and it sure seems like things may never change.

Hope (verb)- The discipline of believing in those things that are "not yet".

Music and Literature - how it all fits in

I'm at odds with myself about music. Is everything I know when it comes to music only a result of capitalistic/consumeristic influence? Have I been led astray when emotions take the priority in music instead of the brilliance, ingenuity and hard work? It has been ruminating in my mind that the music that I listen to and invest in today is the watered down perverted version of what music was at first. Music is meant to move the soul. All would agree to that. I assert that it is not intended to move the soul closer to oneself though but closer to something inaccessible and beyond what a human can reach. Music draws people together, it draws their souls together. Music unifies minds and desire and music draws humankind closer to the divine. All that I have known music to be is a self-serving entity in American culture. Music today surrounds the topics of sex, anger, love, and any range of emotions that in themselves are amazing gifts but they are all self-centered. Abused human emotion and instinct to better the wallet of suppliers. Of all this I am not entirely sure, but my desire for purity in this musical sense is so great that I am stripping down the paradigm of music for my generation, starting with myself.

This is not a vendetta against American culture in itself, but it is against what American culture has done to me. Influenced by popular music, no doubt my ideals are perverted and true music is something that I have to search for, to define. So to cut all popular inputs to my mind, I think, will bring clarity to my opinion.

In this I recall Radiohead's anti-popular, pure presentation. Yet even they play only for themselves. True music must combine self, creator and creation. That is, purpose and subject must encompass all and praise all; God for his glory and power (this above all), man for the creative entity (s)he was made to be, and creation for the beauty and complexity it exhibits. Truth is what music must praise.