I am lazy and selfish

It is a fact and I can't escape it. Over the past few days it has become obvious how selfish I am. Everything I do is about me and I don't want to change that. Even at the very foundation of who I am as a person I ultimately only care about myself. To the point that I don't want to change it. This may seem simple and common but I am serious about this. It is a problem. A very serious problem. I mean I can't think of one thing that I have done that in the end didn't have something in it for me. When I help people, I do it because it feels good. I have never been in a relationship with a woman before because I just can't accept imperfections and if its not perfect than I don't want it because it would be too hard. I am a child. I don't want to change. Honestly I think the one thing that would teach me to love someone unconditionally without getting anything out of it is to be in a relationship. It would be hard as hell. I would have to ignore everything I felt and thought and just say to myself, stop being a baby and love this woman. God I am so selfish. All I can write about is me, all I can think about is me. God doesn't even have a hand in my life because I don't want to make an effort!!! It sickens me and yet I don't move. God's actions aren't limited by mine though. Jeez grow up alex. grow. up.

Freakin out for no reason

So I know it's stupid. But I am freaking out. I got a couple of my grades back. B+ in physiology (when it should've been an A) and a B- in applied calc.

the reason why I say I am stupid is because I am not happy with those grades...... I am not happy!!!!!!

I am being a baby though, I know it. Those are good grades. Sure they aren't A's, but they are good. I did well. I always tend to compare myself to others and their 3.75 and 3.8 gpa and the only reason why I am doing that is because I have this idea in my mind that you need an extremely high gpa to get into a med school.

Here is the deal, I have two years left, so I have plenty of time to raise my gpa. But I want to go to oxford next semester and they require a 3.4 minimum... A 3.4 for a science major is the equivalent of a 3.8 for a non-science major. They are asking for a lot. And I don't want... I mean I don't know about...

OK control is an issue. I have a huge problem with control in my life. Control over my future, control over my past, control over my present... I am a control freak, in a very passive-aggressive way. I just need to Chill!!!! That is what I need to do. Relax. Give it to GOD and stop being so damn arrogant and prideful.

Let God's grace be all that matters!

Long Time No Talk

So it has been a while. And a lot has happened. I have moved on past a couple issues that seemed daunting to me and am concentrating on new ones. Mainly, surviving the summer. As if it is going to kill me... right. I will be doing research on cystic fibrosis biofilms with Dr. Tallman. It is an honor to be chosen to do research, I know it will be extremely beneficial. Plus I'll be make bank yo!!! 3k for 8 weeks of work. Not bad huh?!? After that I will be visiting some friends on the big island and possibly oahu. I am really looking forward to recording this summer. I recently finished a song purely with midi instrumentation, I think it sounds hokey but hey I'm learning the necessities and that's why I'm doing it. I'll hopefully have a full-length album demoed by the end of the summer, if not all of it, most of it.

Last night were the Director's Scenes. I thought they was absolutely fabulous. I was so proud of all the actors (even though I don't know them well haha) and I was thoroughly pleased with Ashley and my performance.

I think it is safe to say that I am hooked on acting. Learning the ins and outs of a character is so thrilling, and to rehearse to a point where it simply pours out of you at a performance is so satisfying. I am excited, soo very excited, for the opportunities I have in the future to tell the stories of men and women through acting. I feel like I have found the one thing that has been missing from my life.

I think that is all... Oh, today I broke down again. Man, I am such a selfish brat. I had a conversation with my parents and my Dad basically said, "Alex. You are being selfish when God has given you so many gifts. Be grateful." He was really right. I have been given so many gifts. Like friendships, good friendships. A great school with amazing professors (both science and otherwise). The ability to take out loans. Now, theater! Musical abilities. The desire to learn how to act. A loving God. A car. A computer. Health! Two amazing parents and an awesome sister!

Yeah he was right. I have a lot to be thankful for.

yup

So I know that the last couple of posts have been very depressing. Yesterday, things came to a point where I finally broke and cried for the first time in a very long time. I still feel lonely at times but I can see a reason for hope. Thank you to anybody who said a prayer for me in my stupidity. It is because of you that I can now see the goodness of God, I have moved out of the way and am looking back at him. So again thank you.

yup

Just so you can get to know me a bit better.

I am really sad. I am really discouraged. I am really lonely. I am really stupid. I am really selfish. I am really weak. I am in a state of sadness. Not a creative sadness, but a dead sadness. I can't help but only mourn. God is with me in this. I can feel him.

I should be able to control myself. I can't though, I can't be anything but sad when I'm left with myself. I am so very lonely. I am stupid for feeling so lonely. I shouldn't be lonely.

dream time

I was in my room working on homework, and my mom came in and said Alison wants to talk to me. I thought she was talking about my sister so said, "yeah, sure. come in." But it was Alison Daily. she walked in and explained to me that she bought a big blanket for her birthday on behalf of me and was now seeing if that was ok. I was stoked to see her so I said "yeah sure!" we spent the rest of the day together, then she left and I said bye to her. God you gotta stop these dreams from happening or else I'll never recover.

Control [the song]

While on a plane, flying south
I demanded we talk this out
“Please tell the truth just this once.”
“Haven’t I done enough?”

Quietly you looked at me,
with veiled eyes filled with secrecy
“How could I still be loved
When you won’t open up.”

Without a word you looked away
and we don’t talk to this day
will the pain stop
if my eyes shut

cuz when the plane spirals down
when the smoke rises and
we land in a field and are consumed by flame
we have no choice, but to feel the pain