Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Time to just be honest, and say whatever the hell I want.

It has been quite a while, and rightly so.

I took a break from writing in my blog, though unofficially. It came to the point where I lost track of my purpose. Started writing to get my thoughts out so I could look at them. Turned into a way to express myself through words. Then it became some sort of pattern that I automatically went along with which didn't flesh out my thoughts or allow expression.

I still don't know the point of a blog, some put a crap load of pictures up, videos, "art projects" that kind of thing. I guess this is more of a selfish type blog in that I write in it not for people to read but so that I can just say what I want to say....

Some of the thoughts that have been going through my head...

"girls with blond hair, like really really naturally blond hair and ice blue eyes. yowza." (See lead singer of the knife Karin Dreijer Andersson for reference.)

"girls with dark hair and light eyes. yowza."

"I've forgotten what it feels like to create something. I think it feels good. a painful sort of good."

"Need, need, need, need, need, to help people before I lose myself."

"Good Lord."

"I'm glad I don't have to worry about a girl."

"I wish I could love someone."

" :) "

"I'm glad I'm not married. I'm glad I don't have kids. I'm glad I can do whatever the hell I want."

"I don't deserve this."

"People who are hypercritical or cynical or angry or hypersensitive or bitter make me very, very, very sad."

"I love freckles."

"I wish I had bigger eyes."

"I wish hard work yielded success. Seems luck has more to do with it than anything."


I'm tired of explaining myself, elaborating till I'm exhausted. Succinct is sweet. I'm tired of caring about what other people think about me, I just care. I've stopped trying to be nice, I'm just myself, I don't need to try to do anything. I've found I don't like the natural me. I'm content, though not in my short comings or lack of self control, just in what I've already attained and what I will attain in the future. Success defines me, it's the manifestation of God's blessing in my life. It's Grace, it's forgiveness, it's love. It's God's hand on my life. It's Joseph as the second in command of Egypt. I've spent my time in the dungeon's, in the bottom of a pit. Though I don't doubt I may be lowered into a pit again, it won't be by my hand, it will be by the caring hand of God. He shapes me.

J'espere je sourrais parler mieux francais que je parle maintenent. J'espere je pourrais recontrer un(e) ami(e) que parler francais. Etre le mien.


Sunday, November 29, 2009

12 hours later

don't wanna clean the dirt from my fingernails
don't wanna sleep cuz I won't remember I was there
don't wanna dream cuz my memories will fade
don't wanna stay here, I'll never be the same

broken hearts, and smiling faces
dirty streets and dirtier faces
don't wanna leave but we're needed in other places
set it up, tear it down and then we leave

don't wanna leave the land of rolling tongues
don't wanna leave the need I better come back soon

my heart is there but my head is here
it's tearing away but the end is near
I hear the promise that i'll go back soon
oh please let it be sooner rather than later

I'm needed, I'm needed.
You're need, You're needed.
Oh please let me go back soon


Not much can be said to sum up my trip. But I'll try.
We set up make-shift clinics in 6 spots throughout Mexicali. Basic triage, consultation with physicians and prescription/administration of meds; it was the most reaffirming trip of my life. I had fun struggling with the language and actually picked up quite a bit. Made a lot of friends with local kids and adults and learned some very valuable and applicable skills towards my future profession. Before I left I told myself and God that this trip would determine the role of medicine in my future, which might have been a bold declaration, but I feel it was necessary. Needless to say I could have stayed in Mexicali, at the clinic we were based out of, for the rest of my life. To serve with the professionals around Mexicali to meet the needs of the locals reaffirmed my mission in life which is: To serve with the people of a different culture to meet the needs of those who normally do not receive medical attention. I developed my mission statement before going to mexico without having experienced what its like to serve the medical needs of the people of a different culture, but I am sure of my mission now.

My only qualm is I want to work in a more fast paced medical environment, life and death kind of situations. So I'm thinking ER.

Highlights of my trip:
-Three local women were in the triage station and Mitch, Rakan and myself were attending to their vitals and they started to make fun of Rakan. The amazing thing is that wherever Rakan goes he is made fun of, but in a good way, you know? He is kind of a big loveable teddy bear and has the best laugh I have ever heard, definitely one of my best friends down at APU, and so I joined in with the women and we made fun of Rakan. At one point, I tried to communicate to the women that we do NOT speak very much spanish and they said "we do NOT speak english!!!" (in spanish of course) and so we kept gesturing to each other our inability to communicate and we ended up laughing at each other and our shared predicament. It was amazing.

-The last night we were in Cuernavaca several girls on the special needs team were in the sick bay because of a bug or food poisoning and we were injecting them with fenigrin (an anti-nausea medication) so that they could maintain healthy hydration levels and one girl was unstable, borderline hypothermic and horribly dehydrated, so katie (our PA) decided to get her on an IV saline drip. [I don't want to seem like I am tooting my own horn in this story but it was a very exciting moment for me, so keep that in mind] Anyways, for those who don't know my background, I'm a phlebotomist (one who draws blood, works with needles) and volunteered my skills, but the doctor insisted he try as well as his fiance (a nurse) and they both missed. This poor girl was stuck five times. Then I tried and got it first try. I've never been the clutch person in a medical situation but to be that person and get it first try, felt really good. I won't go on and explain all the details, but she (the patient) was very grateful and within half an hour and 500 ml of saline she looked soooo much better. It felt great to have been the key player in the recovery of a patient.

-The second day we were set up in a poor community for the whole day. Since we were there for so long, all of the kids around the area came and played with us. Rakan was made fun of by the kids (they called him gordito, or fat haha) and they called me nacho libre. One of the little kids, estephania, became really attached to us and brought us candy and all sorts of little things. Rakan gave her a prayer in arabic he bought in Jordan and I was going to give her my HPI bracelet from Hume but couldn't find it. The cutest thing was she brought Rakan and I bracelets that say "Orgullosamente mexicano" or proud to be a mexican and tied them onto our wrists. To sum it up we had a real connection with the kids and spent most of the day playing with them, playing soccer, throwing the paquito ninos y ninas up in the air and chasing them around. It was amazing. :)

So now here I am, at starbucks, around 12 hours after we got back. We got in at 6am and I slept until 6pm. All I can think about is how I want to go back and I have so much to do to finish up the semester. One of these days I'll serve long term, ideally for the rest of my life.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Two posts in one night...

Crazy night.
Gave cigarettes to a minor, unknowingly. definitely need to be more careful. also talked with a friend who is in need of some major prayer. he wants to kill himself, doesn't think that God loves him, has some major MAJOR deep pain due to horrible things people in his life has done to him. my heart grieves for him and I pray that God touches him tonight. If you are reading this, please please pray for him, right now. he needs to heal and I know it is only God who can do that. jeez. sometimes I feel so helpless and unable to mend anything. I try my best to bless people, but I have limitations. I have a soft heart and it is taken advantage of. I am ok with that. God. will you speak for me and act for me. that is all.

Two Works in Progress

Can Somebody tell me,
tell me how to be free.
Free from all the things that I do
to hurt me

"You've got to control your
emotions, son. You should know
that you are much wiser
than you let yourself believe."

Can somebody tell me,
tell me how to believe.
Believe that one soon she'll
be next to me.

"You're lonely, you've told me
but when it's right I'm sure you'll see.
But 'till then you've got to,
you gotta set yourself free."

Is freedom a place? Is freedom a state?
Is freedom a sound I cannot hear?
Make a blind man see, make a doubter believe
Make me free!


while on the sea
sailing further from the beach
I saw an angel touch down on the shore

with one wave
of her hand
the last glimpse
of the land
disappeared once again
as we traveled onto ports unknown

blessed wind
fill our sails
and match our fins
with the speed of the waves below

Saturday, October 17, 2009

An amazing story, great idea, for halloween

"I grew up in a college town, and one Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened the door expecting to see trickortreater—but what was in front of our open door—was another door! Like, a full-on wooden door, that had a sign that said “Please knock.” So we did, and the door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as really old grandmothers, curlers in their hair, etc, who proceeded to coo over our “costumes” and tell us we were “such cute trick or treaters!” One even pinched my cheek. Then THEY gave US candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house."


Sunday, September 27, 2009

start of first novel: Failure

Is to fail to lose? No, to fail is to be given the opportunity to try again, to give up is to lose. Even the bravest men fear failure, as if a definite end were attached to it. To lose a battle, to lose a love, to lose victory, there is some amount of loss in all of these, but if failure meant to lose indefinitely, none would be strong enough to try again. I say to fail is to win; to win the opportunity to succeed, to triumph, to learn, to change. To lose is to give up. True bravery is found in the ability to stand up after a crushing defeat or to learn to live after choosing the easy way out. The bravest man is not the one who wins the most and thus never faces failure, but the one who fails the most and repeatedly tries again. True bravery, true valor, true fortitude and strength are found in those who have never won, but have never lost the will to try again. Only those who lose the will to carry on are those who truly fail, who truly are defeated. Brevity is measured by failures, not by victories.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

video dating

Tuesday I was watching this ridiculous dating video from 87 that was probably the funniest thing i've seen in a long time. Go and watch it now.

here it is...

Basically, I was so inspired that I decided to create my own dating video and started gaining some momentum by writing all of the one-liners I could think of in one sitting. I think they are real winners. I will be single no-mo babay!!! the ladies be flockin to meeeeeee....

here they are...

Life is like jungle and I am Tarzan. will you be my Jane?

Life is like a fish tank without other fish. Very lonely. Please, join me in my fish tank?

Hello, I am looking for a man... I mean, a woman. Really any woman, that is muscular, with well built calves, and while body hair isn’t a must, I wouldn’t mind something to grab a hold of, or braid.

Life is like the ocean. and I am like a lobster, the last lobster.

Life is like the ocean, and I am like a whale. I may be big, but I have a lot of lovin to give.

Imagine living your life feeling like everybody is afraid of you.

Life is like shark infested water, you never know if you’ll live until to take a risk and dive in. Well, I am Alex and I am looking for a certain someone, who will dive in with me.

I am not too picky, and am very flexible. for example I don’t like leg hair, if you have leg hair, I just... I just can’t handle it... no offense. however I wouldn’t mind lending a razor in the case that you do have leg hair.

To me, life is like a cage that I am stuck in. I am looking for someone to let me out of my cage. We could run, like wild horses, and make love like pigs.

I am looking for someone who is caring, doting, and compassionate. If you look at it this way, Life is like a race, and I started it with a broken leg. Will you heal me?

Hi my name is Alex, you have probably already noticed my muscular build and thick beard. If you like lumberjacks, then I am your man.

Hi my name is Alex. I am a student by day, and party animal by night.

Hi my name is Alex, I am looking for someone who likes to toboggan, go ice fishing and and go frozen tundra camping.

Hello, do you ever find yourself wondering, “Will I ever meet a real man”, well now you have.

Hello, I am a doctoral student studying the mating patterns of gerbils. I have quite a lot I could show you.

I’m looking for someone with a good sense of humor, who likes to have fun, and can joke around. its, this is important to me, because I have a truly wild sense of humor.