Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Time to just be honest, and say whatever the hell I want.

It has been quite a while, and rightly so.

I took a break from writing in my blog, though unofficially. It came to the point where I lost track of my purpose. Started writing to get my thoughts out so I could look at them. Turned into a way to express myself through words. Then it became some sort of pattern that I automatically went along with which didn't flesh out my thoughts or allow expression.

I still don't know the point of a blog, some put a crap load of pictures up, videos, "art projects" that kind of thing. I guess this is more of a selfish type blog in that I write in it not for people to read but so that I can just say what I want to say....

Some of the thoughts that have been going through my head...

"girls with blond hair, like really really naturally blond hair and ice blue eyes. yowza." (See lead singer of the knife Karin Dreijer Andersson for reference.)

"girls with dark hair and light eyes. yowza."

"I've forgotten what it feels like to create something. I think it feels good. a painful sort of good."

"Need, need, need, need, need, to help people before I lose myself."

"Good Lord."

"I'm glad I don't have to worry about a girl."

"I wish I could love someone."

" :) "

"I'm glad I'm not married. I'm glad I don't have kids. I'm glad I can do whatever the hell I want."

"I don't deserve this."

"People who are hypercritical or cynical or angry or hypersensitive or bitter make me very, very, very sad."

"I love freckles."

"I wish I had bigger eyes."

"I wish hard work yielded success. Seems luck has more to do with it than anything."


I'm tired of explaining myself, elaborating till I'm exhausted. Succinct is sweet. I'm tired of caring about what other people think about me, I just care. I've stopped trying to be nice, I'm just myself, I don't need to try to do anything. I've found I don't like the natural me. I'm content, though not in my short comings or lack of self control, just in what I've already attained and what I will attain in the future. Success defines me, it's the manifestation of God's blessing in my life. It's Grace, it's forgiveness, it's love. It's God's hand on my life. It's Joseph as the second in command of Egypt. I've spent my time in the dungeon's, in the bottom of a pit. Though I don't doubt I may be lowered into a pit again, it won't be by my hand, it will be by the caring hand of God. He shapes me.

J'espere je sourrais parler mieux francais que je parle maintenent. J'espere je pourrais recontrer un(e) ami(e) que parler francais. Etre le mien.