Monday, March 23, 2009


To know that I am alone would be better.

that isn't a finished idea. I wish me being alone was my reality so that I could accept it and cope with it, but to have people who remind me of friends in my past makes my situation much more disagreeable. I find myself thinking thoughts and then checking my pride by saying, "I know this sounds arrogant, or boastful, or... prideful. But it's the truth. I am alone and it is because of the way God made me." as if to say I can disagree with the omniscience of God in designing me. He made me to be this way and it is for a purpose, albeit one that is unforeseeable, but a purpose that makes me special and different from anyone else at this school to the point of loneliness. Could I be any more different, any more set apart, any more special than I am among "christian" students. Not that I lack tools necessary to befriend entertain or swoon anybody I come across, in fact I am very capable of those tasks, but I am not meant to use my gifts in that way.

a cloud of the knowledge of my potential shadows everything I do and seems to block the son. typo intentional. It bogs me down and prevents me from enjoying little things I encounter in my day. Smiles don't mean a thing here. They are whored out, swung around like cheap and meaningless necessities, items that are purchased, just like designer clothes, with the blood of Christ. Currency has never been more valuable than what is used here, yet I do not see the worth in the eyes of those who hold it. I see the bottom of the pool, I see the end of the ruler they measure good works by; and I see myself in them and it makes me sad.

If anything my stay here is a good reminder that this is not my home. I am meant for somewhere more suited for my purpose. A clever analogy arranged by the hands of God with my life as the medium to remind me that I am meant for places that are not here.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

New Song

It's not finished... but i'm happy with what I have so far

"I've settled a lot."
and "I haven't done."
are things i've said
too many times to you

"Mistakes I've made."
and "Lies I have told"
have shaped the way
I look at you

but you could care less

Monday, March 16, 2009


Tonight I was complimented. In succession. Apparently I look not only "Good" but "Very Good". I am told I am funny, I am told that I have a warm heart, I am told that I make people feel comfortable and loved, I am told that I challenge people intellectually and spiritually, yet I feel very alone a lot of the times.

But then I remind myself that I wouldn't want it any other way. I seek ambiguity, I desire isolation, social situations drain me and unwanted affection is one of the worst imaginable things to me. Yet I do feel unequivocally lonely most of the time.

Timing can't be rushed. I know that. I try though, to rush it in my mind. I do this by convincing myself that the timing is right when it is not, even when it is horribly wrong. Some would call this desperation but it's normal for me. I sink and rise through tides of solitary contentment and waves of strongly desired intimacy as if on a piece of driftwood. I allow myself to think I am trapped on the surface when I could easily enough dive down into the beauty that lies beneath my soggy driftwood raft.

"It is so deep, though, I know it is beautiful. I can see how it molds and shapes my feet through the refraction of light and the hue of the blue, from the tired normality of flesh to something dark, mysterious and new. If I were to dive into the deep perhaps it would shape my whole body too. But is this something I can even do? I can swim, yes, and I am strong, but I dare not think about what could possibly go wrong."

I need to risk more I have protected myself for way to long it is time to venture and seek heartbreak and betrayal and turn them from adversaries into companions, for didn't Shakespeare pen, "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." And I might add that it is with great courage and proportionality of talent that success soon follows with a valiant dive into life, whether weigh-able or not, by man.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

dream + tobias and austin

I know this is a little late but whatever. I had a dream last night that I got a violin as gift from someone, and it was amazing. The End

On another totally different subject two of my best buds austin lewton and tobias were at apu today. They are men that I have a special kinship with. They are passionate dreamers, they are ambitious lovers, they live life in a way that makes me want to live life, they are completely and utterly the most charismatic people, they make me realize that I am not crazy for wanting more than what the world has to offer for my life, they make me realize that other people are weird and not me and that other people are stuck up and coincidentally stuck in complacency and mundane-ness and if I want more than what they have then that is ok and I will get that. They are so gifted and so care-free and so everything a christian should be, they are what I talk about when I mention apocalypse they see the world through God's eyes with joy and freedom and they voice these things and I don't have to force it out of them like i do with people around here. God it feels so good to know that I am not the one who is crazy. It is so funny to realize that I can be at christian school with so many people who don't act like christians, who are so stuck in their own lives that they fail to look past their front step to see what God's creation can offer them. I feel like I am crazy sometimes because of how boring and how vain and how conceited and how petty and how selfish [not that I'm not] and how complacent a lot of the people around me are, because I am so everything that they are not.

i feel like after I graduate I should move down to be around them. I know that I will be more inspired and fulfilled and released and will be encouraged to follow my dreams and let God do amazing things with me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

One Year [new song]

I had the best intentions throughout my bitterness
so how could I say that I am not content

It took the better part of three long years
to pull me out of dissonance

well it proved
that you
are always near
and there’s
no need to fear
it’s when I
attempt to try
it on my own
that has always shown
I need you

I told my folks how I would hold my head up high
and keep it brave and clear and always by your side

why would those memories appeal to me
how could I recollect those tears

well they’ve dried
I’ve recognized
But I don’t want to to say good-bye

could i please keep these
for I don’t really have the heart
to see where we’ll be
in one year from the start

Another Dream

Basically there was a boat that was sinking, very slowly and nobody could decide on what to do, so I decided to drive it to land. theres more but i don't remember it.

Monday, March 2, 2009


Got a chunk of muscle cut out of my cheek, some soldier died by accidentally eating licorice with acid in it I watched his body decay someone poisoned him, I was up at hume, I was performing at a huge outdoor venue or was waiting to, I saw Bree. That is all I remember. Weird.