Monday, March 23, 2009


To know that I am alone would be better.

that isn't a finished idea. I wish me being alone was my reality so that I could accept it and cope with it, but to have people who remind me of friends in my past makes my situation much more disagreeable. I find myself thinking thoughts and then checking my pride by saying, "I know this sounds arrogant, or boastful, or... prideful. But it's the truth. I am alone and it is because of the way God made me." as if to say I can disagree with the omniscience of God in designing me. He made me to be this way and it is for a purpose, albeit one that is unforeseeable, but a purpose that makes me special and different from anyone else at this school to the point of loneliness. Could I be any more different, any more set apart, any more special than I am among "christian" students. Not that I lack tools necessary to befriend entertain or swoon anybody I come across, in fact I am very capable of those tasks, but I am not meant to use my gifts in that way.

a cloud of the knowledge of my potential shadows everything I do and seems to block the son. typo intentional. It bogs me down and prevents me from enjoying little things I encounter in my day. Smiles don't mean a thing here. They are whored out, swung around like cheap and meaningless necessities, items that are purchased, just like designer clothes, with the blood of Christ. Currency has never been more valuable than what is used here, yet I do not see the worth in the eyes of those who hold it. I see the bottom of the pool, I see the end of the ruler they measure good works by; and I see myself in them and it makes me sad.

If anything my stay here is a good reminder that this is not my home. I am meant for somewhere more suited for my purpose. A clever analogy arranged by the hands of God with my life as the medium to remind me that I am meant for places that are not here.


desiredshots PHOTOGRAPHY said...

a week ago, i wrote a very long and deep and probably boring response to your blog.

then it somehow got erased.
and i grew very angry.
and turned my computer off completly.

when i get a spare moment, i will try to recollect those thoughts.

for now, you're amazing alex. be proud that you're not like the rest of the world.

desiredshots PHOTOGRAPHY said...

my thought: be ever so thankful that you are different.

i'm so glad you are NOT like the rest of the apu crew.

recently in a conversation with a dear friend, i proclaimed: it takes a lot of maturity and courage and strength to stand up and be something different. it takes a lot of divine understanding to realize that being like everyone else, or doing what everyone else does, or having the "coolest" things, is NOT happiness.

i know that in my life, i would rather be alone than surrounding myself with "friends" that don't share my values or have self respect. its hard to be different.

and like you said, it can be lonely. but in doing the righteous things, in relying upon the atonement of our savior, you will be made strong and whole. there is great happiness in this.

and alex, i am proud of you for not suckering into the throng of perhaps hypocritcal students. there is good in this world. good in each person. seek those things.

i hope you are doing well my friend/

Betsy Lin said...

Hey Alex! Somehow came across your blog! Pretty cool stuff!! In response to this post- for some reason the only thought I had is- prophets were lonely, maybe you have the gift of being different- to stand out- the gift that everyone claims to envie but never truly wants.

Betsy Lin said...

oh and its Betsy from the Gathering. . . in case you were confused!