Monday, March 16, 2009


Tonight I was complimented. In succession. Apparently I look not only "Good" but "Very Good". I am told I am funny, I am told that I have a warm heart, I am told that I make people feel comfortable and loved, I am told that I challenge people intellectually and spiritually, yet I feel very alone a lot of the times.

But then I remind myself that I wouldn't want it any other way. I seek ambiguity, I desire isolation, social situations drain me and unwanted affection is one of the worst imaginable things to me. Yet I do feel unequivocally lonely most of the time.

Timing can't be rushed. I know that. I try though, to rush it in my mind. I do this by convincing myself that the timing is right when it is not, even when it is horribly wrong. Some would call this desperation but it's normal for me. I sink and rise through tides of solitary contentment and waves of strongly desired intimacy as if on a piece of driftwood. I allow myself to think I am trapped on the surface when I could easily enough dive down into the beauty that lies beneath my soggy driftwood raft.

"It is so deep, though, I know it is beautiful. I can see how it molds and shapes my feet through the refraction of light and the hue of the blue, from the tired normality of flesh to something dark, mysterious and new. If I were to dive into the deep perhaps it would shape my whole body too. But is this something I can even do? I can swim, yes, and I am strong, but I dare not think about what could possibly go wrong."

I need to risk more I have protected myself for way to long it is time to venture and seek heartbreak and betrayal and turn them from adversaries into companions, for didn't Shakespeare pen, "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." And I might add that it is with great courage and proportionality of talent that success soon follows with a valiant dive into life, whether weigh-able or not, by man.

1 comment:

desiredshots PHOTOGRAPHY said...

you're absolutely all those things my dear. terribly kind, warm hearted. most of all you are genuine. REAL. there is much for you to offer a virtuous young lady.

i understand your hesitation in the past. but from my experience, you never regret loving someone, that part is wonderful. and the love/passion/happiness/bliss exceeds any pain that may follow in the case that we do choose a couple of the wrong "ones" before the right "one" skips along.

im going to look for someone skipping.

i laughed hard at that. im the fatest dork on the planet.

anyway. what i meant to say was that i worry for you. simply because you deserve the very best, someone equally as wonderful as you are and i don't know how easy that is going to be. but i sure wish you the best luck and hope that you find someone that can appreciate and love all of you =]
while maintaining balance in life, of course.

let me know how its going