But then I remind myself that I wouldn't want it any other way. I seek ambiguity, I desire isolation, social situations drain me and unwanted affection is one of the worst imaginable things to me. Yet I do feel unequivocally lonely most of the time.
Timing can't be rushed. I know that. I try though, to rush it in my mind. I do this by convincing myself that the timing is right when it is not, even when it is horribly wrong. Some would call this desperation but it's normal for me. I sink and rise through tides of solitary contentment and waves of strongly desired intimacy as if on a piece of driftwood. I allow myself to think I am trapped on the surface when I could easily enough dive down into the beauty that lies beneath my soggy driftwood raft.
"It is so deep, though, I know it is beautiful. I can see how it molds and shapes my feet through the refraction of light and the hue of the blue, from the tired normality of flesh to something dark, mysterious and new. If I were to dive into the deep perhaps it would shape my whole body too. But is this something I can even do? I can swim, yes, and I am strong, but I dare not think about what could possibly go wrong."
I need to risk more I have protected myself for way to long it is time to venture and seek heartbreak and betrayal and turn them from adversaries into companions, for didn't Shakespeare pen, "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." And I might add that it is with great courage and proportionality of talent that success soon follows with a valiant dive into life, whether weigh-able or not, by man.