Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Winter Break Cont...

Green and gray are two colors that define Oregon. The intoxicating power of Oregon affects me even before I reach it. First I lose my voice... not in a physical sense, but metaphorically speaking, where before I would have felt free to share my thoughts to anyone, my future thoughts would have been content to stay indoors. Soon after my eyes open wide, awakening fully, spurned by the dull yet vivid wet green, to take in the beauty around me. Next as if from a hidden well, my heart begins to fill until its contents spill. This spillage is invaluable to waste nothing the pages of a blank notebook hold the contents until they can be returned. On several occasions in my youth, when i was till too naive to know the impact of my emotions I fell into deep depressions from where i could only be stirred by the warm dry days of CA...

Monday, December 15, 2008

winter break

Three months have never gone by faster and i now find myself in a season that represents some very dark memories in my past. By dark i don't mean that i have been subjected to horrible circumstances or anything of that nature, i simply imply that my emotions are a lot like the weather during this time of year. Clouds always seem to accompany everything i do from December to February. For most of the break i'll be in oregon, which doesn't hold the greatest memories either, but i intend to change that. Over the past couple of years i've learned a lot about myself and how I work. If i leave my mind to fate and allow my emotions to rule, turmoil follows. For most of my life i lived subjected to this tendency and as a result my mood swung drastically throughout the seasons... I am naturally a really joyful person. I take pleasure in people around me, both those i know and those i don't know. i appreciate small things in life as well as the big and I am thankful for everything that comes my way. But I am also very contemplative, which in itself can only lend good to any given situation, but i can take extreme turns into introversion and contemplation where i have to dig myself out. Overcast skies and green landscapes are two of the things that capture my eyes and draw me into a deep state of thought.

to be continued...

Sunday, December 14, 2008

shifting some bits

this artist out of New York, NY by the name of Bit Shifter has been rocking my socks off with a pair of game boys, some loop gear and a beat maker. Muy Talentado if do say so myself. check it out!

Bit Shifter // Blip Festival 2007: The Videos from 2 Player Productions on Vimeo.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

half a glass of water (unfinished)

i went to a lake today
its fish sang melancholy tunes
yesterday i went to my sink
the dishes sang gritty blues
earlier days i would've cried,
"Its empty, we are all gonna lose!!!"
but today i got some particularly bad news
and i didn't complain at all


she puts on
blush too much
red too rough
and a pout enough

green fields

I look out at water blue,
bordered by flowers in bloom and grass green
yet not more than her eyes.
Oh I wish I could sit there with you,
dream of future plans,
of stupid aspirations
and revel in the moment; drink it in like water.
Hold your sun freckled hand,
play with your sun-bleached hair,
embrace the moment like the grandpa I never had.
If only life stayed vibrant
like photographs.
I'd finally appreciate every moment,
no matter how stupid or simple.
We would walk down quiet unpaved roads,
look at the trees--talk about bees,
or just how it's amazing that the earth moves all by itself.
There will come a day,
maybe soon,
where I can live life like I imagine I'd do with you.
Where the Lord is my portion
and I wait patiently like He does; where without you
I could still breath in the sweet air,
revel in the moment,
and paint pictures of the present in my head instead of the future.
There will come a day
when I will be patient and man enough to be good to someone like you.
I would like that very much,
even if it is not you.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

not finished

i stared intently through the glass, into the world beyond. i saw yellows and blues and whites unlike anything my tired eyes had seen before. she gave me life, she gave me a race worth running for in my chest. i ran for her, i ran... i ran over and over again, but the finish line ran along with me. i got tired of running. i ran and if i gained some, i lost most; by the looks of it, i lost; so i gave up.

now i spend my days looking through glass... like windows in a tall office building. i stroll by several buildings every day, spending no more than a moment at each window... the colors grow duller and flatter with each passing window. until i saw it. a flowery yellow sun dress so gay and vibrant, it caught my eye like a golden hook. speckled with shining lights that looked like miniature suns; it shone with equal brilliance yet with fortitude enough to not harm the hem they laid on. delicate and powerful.

i stared at it for years, nearly a millenia, not tiring in the slightest. it inspired me like a child laughing with it's father or an old couple walking--only supported by the arm of their mate, aged yet infallible. I appealed to it's mercies if only to learn the pattern of it's weave. i soon found with blunt sincerity and honesty, that sun-dresses no matter how beautiful, cannot talk.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

my monster

There was this monster I met not long ago
He was big, hairy and loud
and surprisingly not very scary
But for some reason
every time he showed himself
people ran away screaming
yet he hadn't opened his mouth

now if you were him
or if you were me
you would have something to say
because its quite unfortunate
that people should act this way

What they don't see is that his hair is fuzzy
and what is loud is his laugh
if they would just stop before running
you know take the time and do the math

they would see that this big monster
is really quite a good catch
one that won't run away
no matter how bad the circumstance

for his size is good to lean on
when going through really hard times
and his laugh is good to cheer you
after one thousand failed tries

but they give him no chance
to this day they still run away
that's why I'm his really good friend
a friend that will always remain

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Much Respect.

I really respect this man.

blueberry muffins.

mmm mmm. mine probbly won't taste as good as these look.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I'm quite daft

it has just occurred to me now
that im not good at many things
like football, bowling, or sewing
or making pretty things

I've never been quite talented
at keeping my mouth shut
or even saying the right things
especially when it counts

I've never been too good at waiting
still to this very day
But i think i've found the right thing
that might be worth the wait

i'm not too eloquent in word
not yet quite smooth enough
but someday i'll write a love letter
that might cause someone to love

Thursday, June 12, 2008

thoughts from my day

The main flaw I have as a songwriter is a lack of adaptivity... I make an impact with my music in intimate, close settings. But that does not translate well onto a stage with a microphone. And I don't know how to change that.

Disappointments of the day:
-getting charged extra because of a late ticket payment, which I hope was caused by mailing errors.
-getting a fee for punching a hole in my dorm room wall, and what they called a recore lock
-finding out that hume lake raped me out of 250 bucks for two weeks of room and board.
-realizing I may not be going back to hume
-selling my guitar for less then I could have gotten

Highlights of the day:
-playing with troubadour
-being told my phlebotomy resume was impressive
-talking to the CEO of Phi Delta Epsilon

I think that God may be telling me that I care too much about money... well saying that God is telling me might be a stretch, but he may be using these things to enlighten my state of mind...
Why do I care about money so much... its pointless.

Monday, June 9, 2008


My muse

Harrison's/Clapton's/Lennon's Muse

my thumb hurts

I don't have much to say but once again i have been reminded
just how amazing God's love is.
It is so predictable, I don't deserve anything
but God loves me too much to ignore me. Well not completely
that is. man I serve a great God.

here is something i wrote in the middle of last summer while I was in Barcelona, Spain on vacation with my family. feel free to read and contemplate on it.

Tonight while I was walking to buy European cigarettes with my dad's money, a prostitute grabbed my arm. Her touch felt just like mine would.

God loves us.

God loves us, even when we use our parents money to do things that we will regret.
God loved me even when i ripped my arm from the hand of a woman that He loves dearly. I should have lovingly denied what she offered.

Love. It is such a hard thing to do, and yet God does it.

i hate how beautiful that is, because I have trouble loving myself, even when I am doing pretty good.

I hate smoking, but I do it anyways. In the instant that I light a cigarette I feel the heart of God hurting just like mine does. I think this is because in that instant I am choosing the feeling of smoke and nicotine over Him; and at that moment I dont believe that God can off me anything better than a cigarette. So I light up. Pretty great huh?

God still loves me though. It is never ending.

Many men have taken their lives in order to bypass all the pain in this world, but God would rather us live. Even if each day is exponentially more painful than the next, because we are choosing Him, over everything else. That's how we love Him back.

I am beginning to see why choosing to follow Jesus is a bit like taking up a cross.

"God give me strength to follow you. i am a coward, a thief, and an adulterer. i am nothing. I fear that i will not be able to face the day when i see you, let alone every day before then."

Tonight, while I was walking, there was a group of what most would call scum of the earth, hanging out on a fountain. It then occurred to me that my God would've hung out with them instead of seeing the sights. I am sure that His love would have overwhelmed them.

I walked by, with fear in my heart.

and I call myself a Christian.
its laughable. no wonder the world calls us hypocrites.

My prayer is that God will have so much of me, His love will pour out from every pore.


Pros/Con List for smoking

-looks bad ass... sometimes
-Is fun... sometimes
-don't have to go through the process of quitting...
-quitting=suckfest '08

-History of lung cancer in family
-Don't really enjoy it as much
-screws with ma singing voice
-smells bad
-my mom hates it
-wastes time
-causes me to cough, excessively
-some of my friends hate it
-doesn't really do me any good
-girls don't really like it... and i'm ALL ABOUT THEM GIRLS... (?)
-need to quit anyways, don't want to smoke around my kids or wife... or girlfriend for that

it's pretty obvious what I should do. dang it, I hate exercising self-control.

Santa Cruz

So together with two other good friends I went to Santa Cruz today for church at vintage faith... an awesome post-modern church directed towards the artistic community (among others) in SC. We had some time to kill so we headed downtown and ended up grabbing coffee and just walking around. In the process I nabbed a pair of zig-zag hemp slip-on shoes that are ill as all get out for under 20 bucks!!! On our way back to the car we passed a couple gutter-punks our age who had a sign that read...

"Ugly. Broke. Hungry."

I stopped and turned to one of the guys and nonchalantly said...

"It's okay man, I'm ugly too."

The guy looked at me, said
"Fuck man..." genuinely taken aback,
looked down for a second, then back up again and said,
"I don't know how to come back to that!"

I laughed and we walked away.

Church was great and after we went to this awesome lounge/bar called the red room for beer, appetizers and to listen to the jazz band that was playing. The night was filled with conversation, really good beer (I personally had this dark Belgian lager 1554 and this tart beer Rodenbach Grand Cru) and the musings of my mind on pretty ladies with jazz in the background.

Altogether it was a damn good day.

And over all I consider myself blessed.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

My Name

Alexander, Helper of Mankind.
It doesn't seem likely
I'm not always kind
In fact most times i am sarcastic
Sometimes I'm rude
Although I'd hate to admit it
I might be a prude

Uptight and often obtuse
You'd never know it
But it might be the truth

But sometimes on sunny days
When my worries get swept away
and the sunshine shines through
I see that what my name means
might actually be true

I care a lot about what people think
and make an extra effort to make it come true
I love to make the sad smile
and distract the sick from what is ailing them
If I didn't know any better
I would think I was made to help men


She stood like a mountain
Not out of mass or posture
but because in my eyes
she was a giant of beauty,
standing in my way,
blocking my sight of my most present goal

Now if you stare at something long enough
it is bound to become the focus
Mountains are rather hard to avoid
You can move miles to the left or right
but they never yield a clear path of sight

Once you embark on a journey over the mountain
oh how a treacherous journey it can turn out to be
and it was...
cold. As an arctic chill
long. as the range itself
But beautiful.
Enough even to cause a weary, chilled traveler
to forget where he was going in the first place.

I didn't want to press on once I was in the mountain
I wanted to lay in the dewy-spongy grass
and walk in a cool mountain brook

so I didn't... for a while...
I learned that the more time I spent in the mountain
the less I cared about... well... anything

She was like a mountain
She still is.
But I've been walking for so long away from her
that she seems smaller with each day

Friday, June 6, 2008

There is drool still on the hood...

so there is no easy way to put this...
I ran into a kid today
no older than 5
they said he'd be fine
so i guess I'm okay

he came out of nowhere
bounced a foot or more
off of the hood of my car
I truly am surprised i did not swear

--this is not some fictional poem/crap, i really did run into a kid... it nearly scared me half to death. It felt like the point in a tragic movie where every body's life changes forever and the main character is left with thoughts of regret and shame for doing something so horrible as to end the life of a kid. One thing though, gratefully the kid did not die; he got a bloody nose though... and cried quite a bit. While driving away from the scene of the collision as well as for the rest of this bloody night I have been imagining children bouncing off of the hood of my car, just like an instant replay at a sports game. It has been ridiculous. Ridiculously horrible and comical. If i had the chance to observe myself from an outside perspective, without having actually done it, I probably would be laughing a lot! I guess this is what shock feels like. Thank God i didn't actually hurt him. He got a bloody nose! Hah! thankfully that was all. I think I am worse off than he is, of which I am thankful too. I would much rather have a shattered mind then have hurt the kid!

--I don't know what I would do if I actually ended the life of a 5 year old... Probably something stupid... For some bizarre reason I have romanticized the idea of despair after an unfortunate event. When i was a lot younger I would day dream (except they were not at all pleasant) about my parents dying in a plane crash leaving my sister and I orphaned and what would happen because of it. I always saw it as me throwing myself into despair over the situation and turning to a lifestyle that would numb me from my past... mostly the norm: drugs and sex and alcohol... maybe it was just some deep seeded emotion looking for an excuse to get out. Or maybe i was just a stupid kid who thought that tragedy was euphoric in a way. Either way it reminds me now of some early 90's family movie like a mix between Free Willy and Angels In the Outfield... maybe a little Pinocchio too... haha

--I can see me now, flapping my arms while graffiting on a wall, smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. (by the way if you can piece those three segments together without help, i am impressed... i tend to be far to vague when i reference outside sources). Actually that doesn't sound too bad. I love beer and graffiti (although never tagged anything) and while I don't flap my wings too often and tend to smoke cigarettes vs. cigars, I think i'd give it a shot. haha man... I am lame.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


I fell into a well today
It stole my tune
and happy phase

And as I sank in deeper still
Out loud I sang a deep refrain

Dear Lord have mercy
on Me your Son
For I have bought my own

Beneath the crest
of icy waves
My breath grew still
in deathly ways

My mind then next
to see the dark
And i return
from whence I start

Oh Death why doth thou remain so close
Why can't thine own eyes but see my bones
For how they shake and how they groan
For fear that there's no chance of seeing hope

True Love awaits in a magazine

True Love awaits in a magazine!
In a picture of a pretty girl who jump-starts the heart.
It waits to be rescued from the jail that bars its return.
It is waiting impatiently, because it knows we are out there.
It is calling, "Come claim your prize, noble one, you have won 'my' heart!"

...and it's just that is it not?... it, not SHE or HE, but IT; an object.

I have been waiting for that girl I see in sheets, with a shiny sheen, that clutter our heads

But this simply cannot be.
IT is not real.
But SHE may be.
IT is a figment of our magazines
or imaginations is it?
Maybe then i will stop my fantasy
When i realize.
When i stop the ties,
To dreams finished by a paintbrush or photoshop
I'll see a more beautiful REAL version of she,
One who's hand I can hold,
who's face I can behold,
and who's laugh can intoxicate my stronghold.

The IT will turn into SHE
and I will see what Love
Truly can be


I'm itching to get going
I'm part restless soul
part rolling home

I wanna hit those roads
And not look back
Don't need no pack
Don't need no home
I'm meant to to roll
and I'll keep on
keep roamin' on

There's a part of me that longs to roam
to make this car a rolling home
so I'll get back on the road and move again


I am piecing it together
A fantasy I can rely on
Neither twisted nor exaggerate
delightfully fulfilling without truth

I am forming a dream
And I will live in it
One not fair or just
for if it were I would not get what I want

There is a flaw, a single one
For this to work, there'd be no God

Can I stand to do this
Single act of deceit
Is it worth it to do this
gain the world
but sell my soul?
I don't know

It's times like these I feel magic
Not in the real things
But in my mind


This is a progressive effort. I, in no way, will be publishing material that is polished or finished, usually they will be half-baked ideas needing open air to be thought through completely. I welcome you to this process and hope that you enjoy reading into my life.