Monday, June 9, 2008

my thumb hurts

I don't have much to say but once again i have been reminded
just how amazing God's love is.
It is so predictable, I don't deserve anything
but God loves me too much to ignore me. Well not completely
that is. man I serve a great God.

here is something i wrote in the middle of last summer while I was in Barcelona, Spain on vacation with my family. feel free to read and contemplate on it.

Tonight while I was walking to buy European cigarettes with my dad's money, a prostitute grabbed my arm. Her touch felt just like mine would.

God loves us.

God loves us, even when we use our parents money to do things that we will regret.
God loved me even when i ripped my arm from the hand of a woman that He loves dearly. I should have lovingly denied what she offered.

Love. It is such a hard thing to do, and yet God does it.

i hate how beautiful that is, because I have trouble loving myself, even when I am doing pretty good.

I hate smoking, but I do it anyways. In the instant that I light a cigarette I feel the heart of God hurting just like mine does. I think this is because in that instant I am choosing the feeling of smoke and nicotine over Him; and at that moment I dont believe that God can off me anything better than a cigarette. So I light up. Pretty great huh?

God still loves me though. It is never ending.

Many men have taken their lives in order to bypass all the pain in this world, but God would rather us live. Even if each day is exponentially more painful than the next, because we are choosing Him, over everything else. That's how we love Him back.

I am beginning to see why choosing to follow Jesus is a bit like taking up a cross.

"God give me strength to follow you. i am a coward, a thief, and an adulterer. i am nothing. I fear that i will not be able to face the day when i see you, let alone every day before then."

Tonight, while I was walking, there was a group of what most would call scum of the earth, hanging out on a fountain. It then occurred to me that my God would've hung out with them instead of seeing the sights. I am sure that His love would have overwhelmed them.

I walked by, with fear in my heart.

and I call myself a Christian.
its laughable. no wonder the world calls us hypocrites.

My prayer is that God will have so much of me, His love will pour out from every pore.


Kaelyn Smith said...

this is very good. and I must admit I too felt a little guilty and possibly even convicted when I read it. no matter how scummy you are feeling right now- the alex i know is a wonderful human being. i hope things get better for you. tomorrow is a new day and no matter how desperate things get sometimes you can count on God's faithfulness and his unending grace and forgiveness. we all suck sometimes. its a good thing the mormons are wrong and we dont earn our way to heaven.

Alex said...

hahaha, yeah... mormons man. jeez.