yup

So I know that the last couple of posts have been very depressing. Yesterday, things came to a point where I finally broke and cried for the first time in a very long time. I still feel lonely at times but I can see a reason for hope. Thank you to anybody who said a prayer for me in my stupidity. It is because of you that I can now see the goodness of God, I have moved out of the way and am looking back at him. So again thank you.

yup

Just so you can get to know me a bit better.

I am really sad. I am really discouraged. I am really lonely. I am really stupid. I am really selfish. I am really weak. I am in a state of sadness. Not a creative sadness, but a dead sadness. I can't help but only mourn. God is with me in this. I can feel him.

I should be able to control myself. I can't though, I can't be anything but sad when I'm left with myself. I am so very lonely. I am stupid for feeling so lonely. I shouldn't be lonely.

dream time

I was in my room working on homework, and my mom came in and said Alison wants to talk to me. I thought she was talking about my sister so said, "yeah, sure. come in." But it was Alison Daily. she walked in and explained to me that she bought a big blanket for her birthday on behalf of me and was now seeing if that was ok. I was stoked to see her so I said "yeah sure!" we spent the rest of the day together, then she left and I said bye to her. God you gotta stop these dreams from happening or else I'll never recover.

Control [the song]

While on a plane, flying south
I demanded we talk this out
“Please tell the truth just this once.”
“Haven’t I done enough?”

Quietly you looked at me,
with veiled eyes filled with secrecy
“How could I still be loved
When you won’t open up.”

Without a word you looked away
and we don’t talk to this day
will the pain stop
if my eyes shut

cuz when the plane spirals down
when the smoke rises and
we land in a field and are consumed by flame
we have no choice, but to feel the pain

Shit.

Shit. Lately I've been going through a lot of it. I don't want to react any other way than I have though. I need to feel crappy, I need to remain hopeless for a while, I need to lament. I got f***ed over by a girl that I was holding out for. I was stupid. I should have known it was going to end this way. It always has. I think it always will. I'm the guy that always gets screwed over. I did everything right too. I gave her space, which she asked for. I don't know. It's just I have never experienced a situation where I have lost so much trust for a person. I started out trusting that it would work out, in a good way, not like this. Lesson learned: the faithful get f***ed and burned, discarded and forgotten. The nice get run over and pushed aside. The genuine unnoticed and under-appreciated. And in the end I will recover and then it will happen all over again. I've reached a new level of pessimism.

Control

I didn't want to post this but I think transparency in this time in my life is very necessary

My dad was laid off of work yesterday by a coward and we might lose the house. I am taking it the hardest out of anybody in our family, though nobody knows it. Things have been going pretty crappy lately. By that I mean life has been normal but I have lost my grip on optimism for the moment. When I let small things get to me my emotions compound and swell and my judgement becomes impaired and I become bitter and angry. I’m trying to stop it before it gets to that point. My dad is a true inspiration. I know it hurts to be laid off for no good reason, especially when the past couple months have not been too easy, but my Dad is taking it in such stride, it’s amazing. I found an old pokemon card in the stuff I cleaned out from my room the other day. It was my favorite one, Venasaur, a hologram. I also found a fair pile of doodles and essays from high school and jr. high that are worth keeping. God is pretty good at beating you into the ground. First a chapter 11, now a chapter 7. He is doing some serious pruning of the family tree. It’s not my burden to bear though. God has a plan, the result will be more than we could have ever imagined. But God Damn it, we’ll be losing so many memories. I already feel disconnected from the house. The period of transition has started. He knows what He is doing though. Lord give me strength.