Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I am really sad. I am really discouraged. I am really lonely. I am really stupid. I am really selfish. I am really weak. I am in a state of sadness. Not a creative sadness, but a dead sadness. I can't help but only mourn. God is with me in this. I can feel him.
I should be able to control myself. I can't though, I can't be anything but sad when I'm left with myself. I am so very lonely. I am stupid for feeling so lonely. I shouldn't be lonely.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
I demanded we talk this out
“Please tell the truth just this once.”
“Haven’t I done enough?”
Quietly you looked at me,
with veiled eyes filled with secrecy
“How could I still be loved
When you won’t open up.”
Without a word you looked away
and we don’t talk to this day
will the pain stop
if my eyes shut
cuz when the plane spirals down
when the smoke rises and
we land in a field and are consumed by flame
we have no choice, but to feel the pain
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
My dad was laid off of work yesterday by a coward and we might lose the house. I am taking it the hardest out of anybody in our family, though nobody knows it. Things have been going pretty crappy lately. By that I mean life has been normal but I have lost my grip on optimism for the moment. When I let small things get to me my emotions compound and swell and my judgement becomes impaired and I become bitter and angry. I’m trying to stop it before it gets to that point. My dad is a true inspiration. I know it hurts to be laid off for no good reason, especially when the past couple months have not been too easy, but my Dad is taking it in such stride, it’s amazing. I found an old pokemon card in the stuff I cleaned out from my room the other day. It was my favorite one, Venasaur, a hologram. I also found a fair pile of doodles and essays from high school and jr. high that are worth keeping. God is pretty good at beating you into the ground. First a chapter 11, now a chapter 7. He is doing some serious pruning of the family tree. It’s not my burden to bear though. God has a plan, the result will be more than we could have ever imagined. But God Damn it, we’ll be losing so many memories. I already feel disconnected from the house. The period of transition has started. He knows what He is doing though. Lord give me strength.