Thursday, September 10, 2009


I am perplexed by my place in acting. Being in the fundamentals of acting for theatre majors was kind of disheartening. I am glad that will be allowed to stay and learn, but to be learning with a highly focused group of students and with a teacher whose focus is to motivate and challenge future professionals is challenging my place as an actor at APU. I love acting. I love it. Everything about it. I want to learn more, I want to act more, I want to be challenged; but one thing that I cannot do, which was demanded by Jill, is attain total commitment to training. I just can't. Because of schedule and money, I am too far into the collegiate process to switch focuses. But oh how I love acting. My learning is limited, the amount that I will be taught is limited for Jill's focus is on theatre majors, while she is not cold enough to disinclude me, I am on the side burner-not a priority- a theater minor. I found myself questioning my major, questioning my reasons for being in the class. Sure I have passion, I have a hell of a lot of it. But I fell victim to the circumstances that limit me from interaction with the department. Oh woe is me. Not to say that I won't get a lot out of the the classes I am taking, but as to where I will go with them, that is the question. There is really crappy spanish worship music in the background. The sound of lower classmen giggling wildly about God knows what, who knows if they even really care about school. I am not bitter. I am perplexed. I am in an acting limbo. Limping my way through my college career with each limb dipped into different academic pools. A brain too immersed in learning, too interested in too diverse of fields, desiring complete commitment to each, cruely torn between passions. I lack the ability to determine what my future holds. Should I stay another two years to complete a BFA? Should I commit my life to acting, to pursue the technique, form and discipline of a professional? The passion is there, the innate yearning to improve is there; some would say that that is all that is necessary. I've heard it said that talent is simply courage, they are one in the same. I am courageous, but how courageous. Damn...

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